We all feel the need to belong, in fact, the need for affiliation is one of the basic needs of mental and emotional well-being. This need for affiliation can be fulfilled at many levels, belonging to your parents (feeling welcomed and cared for by your parents, having them look out for you), belongingness with your siblings (your peers who are your partners in crime, who will be beside you in every venture of your life), belongingness to your family (immediate and extended), belongingness that comes from identifying with your cultural, national and ethnic identity. Fitting into the bigger context of being a human and being a part of humankind on earth is great, but there are sp many ‘sub-sections’ that we can feel like we belong to, that helps us understand parts of our identity better, and eventually help us be in touch with ourselves better.
Friends are a big part of our identity, not simply because we identify with them or we see our likeness within them, but also they become a huge influence on the way we think and act. Friends are important and necessary in every stage of life, but especially in our teenage and early adulthood years. This is because they are struggling more or less as much as we are and they are trying to find their footing in the new context of the world they are put in as much as we are. They become our companions in the journey of growing up, our first experience of adulthood, the trials and tribulations we face, the mistakes we make and become supporting characters in the movie of our growing pains. It is only natural, then, that their opinions mean a lot to us and their approval of our own opinions mean a lot as well.
But just as every coin has two sides, friendships can sweeten or sour your experiences in life. The company you keep determines, in many ways, the person you become. Good friends, as in friends that are positive influences, not friends that are simply close (sometimes close friends can be bad influences too), will inspire you to be a better person, will be facilitating to your growth, and will make you feel comfortable in your own skin. Bad friends, on the other hand, will convince you to make decisions and do things that benefit them before you even realise it. Sometimes they may be a bad influence without you realising it, and sometimes they may be a bad influence without them knowing it. Hence it is important for us to be able to identify the good friendships in life, and the ones that are worth keeping close to us in the long run.
Here are the 10 qualities you will find in a true friend, who is a true good-wisher to you-
1. Honesty
The foundation of any relationship that is aiming to steer itself in the positive direction. A true friend, one that always wants the best for you, will always be honest with you. This does not just mean speaking true words but also being transparent with you. One who will tell you when you are in the wrong, instead of sweet-talking to you to save the friendship. They will honestly critique you because they want you to learn from your mistakes and improve on them, and make progress as an individual. Someone who will twist their words or divert from telling you when you are wrong prioritises their relationship with you than you as an individual. So look back on your friendships, and try to identify who has always been honest to you, even when you may have reacted negatively to it, with your best interests in mind, because it is the right this to do. They are your true friend.
2. Forgiveness
Your true friend will grant you forgiveness even when you don’t actively seek it with an apology. But that should not mean that we shouldn’t apologise. If anything, it is all the more reason to apologise to them. They don’t forgive you without an apology not because they don’t need an apology or because you didn’t hurt them. They do so because they are understanding and truly make it a point to put themselves in your shoes, to understand what may have been the reasons for you to have done what you did. Their affection for you is displayed in this attempt at empathy. This is why, the responsibility now rests on you to honour their forgiveness and make sure they don’t regret it, to prove their forgiveness is not worthless, instead worthwhile and that you value it. Don’t do the thing that you seek forgiveness for, learn what you did wrong and make sure you never do it again and try to be a better person. That is how you hold up your end of the friendship, that is how you prove it is a true friendship from your end as well.
3. Compromise
Compromise is the willingness to make adjustments on both ends of a situation. Maybe you both make plans to meet up during the week, you get off work at 6 pm and their night shift starts at 10 pm, They want to meet by 6:30 pm - 7 pm so that you can spend time together as they have to leave by 9, but you need to rest for a while before you head out and you push to meet at 7:30 pm. It is a bargain in your favour, you get what you want but they have to lose out on time with you and if you meet that late, chances are they may get late to work too. But they are still trying to work with your schedule, they are still trying to compromise. This compromise is something that is valuable in a friendship, it says that they are willing to face inconvenience to preserve their friendship with you. Be careful and make sure you are the person making the compromise next time, that they don’t draw the shorter end of the stick every time, it is unfair for one person to make compromises each time.
4. Thoughtfulness
Thoughtfulness is an excellent indicator of whether or not your friend really cares about you, the genuine you. Elaborate plans and grand gestures are things people can pull off with little care. But a true friend will take the time to understand you and figure out what you truly need. If you cancel plans at the last moment after a stressful week at work or school, they will understand. If they know you have an early morning presentation and tend to rush without eating anything, they’ll come with coffee and sandwiches. If they know exams are coming up and you are stressed, they’ll bring your favourite pastry for you. If they know something you are struggling with, they will their best to help. It doesn’t even have to be those, ones that require effort and fore-planning, it could be picking up the pencil when you drop it or holding the door open for you, or even just words of comfort and soothing when you are feeling down. The thoughtfulness comes from the care they have for you, taking a moment to take into consideration your thoughts and wants/needs, it is being considerate of you and your existence, that expresses that they value you, that you ought to pay back in kind.
5. You for you
They like you for you, the person you are once stripped of every other external source of identity. If you come from a well to do family, there might be many who may befriend you to gain the favour of your status in society or the connections your family may have. If you are a studious student, there may be people who befriend you so your share your notes with them, or in some instances so that you do their homework for them. There might be some still who will befriend you because you are popular, and have influence over your peers. But the moment these reasons are gone, so will their friendship. These are called fair-weather friends, those who are your friends only until it is convenient to them. But a true friend will be your friend because they like the person you are, the way you think, the way you view the world. Cherish these friends in life, because your circumstances in life may change, even aspects of you will change, but they will still continue to be friends to the true you, the person you are at the core.
6. Giving
A giving nature is an indicator that they haven’t extended their friendship to benefit from you, or to gain something from you. They are friends with you because they see a person worthy of friendship in you, and are friends with you simply because of that reason. Having a friend who is willing to give more than receive in a friendship is an honour, but that does not mean they indeed should be giving more than they receive. Instead of using that giving nature for your benefit, you should try your best to give them back all the friendship, love and care you receive from them, they need it just as much as you. Instead, try and facilitate their giving nature by being generous in your conduct as well. They will appreciate it, and in this way, they have also been a good influence on your life, that they will proud of.
7. Time
They will make time for you. With how fast-paced and rushed life is today, it can be very hard to keep up with life itself, much more friendships and our personal life. Yes, it is hard, but not impossible. And we can always make time for the people we love and appreciate, and value in our life. So if they make time for you, it means you are just as important to them as they are to you. This works in both ways, by the way, you have to make time for them too. If they have proven to you that they are a true friend, it is only fair that you do too. It doesn’t have to be big chunks of time. You don’t have to go away for a weekend on a vacation. Making the time in your week to call them up to just check-in or making the time in a day to simply message to ask how they are doing or to wish them all the best for important milestones in their personal or professional life is also them making time for you or you making time for them.
8. Mutual Respect
Friends who treat you as their equals, and not someone who is above or below them, understand the true meaning of friendship. A friend is someone who walks beside you, is with you through your experiences. This friendship, even when assisting you to be better and grow as a person does not come from a place of condescension where they are above you or know better than you, but facilitating you from right next to you and accompanying you on this excursion of growth. Even a friendship where they feel they are beneath you or look up to you by putting you on a pedestal is bound to blow up in your face once they realise you are just as human as them and can make mistakes. But a friendship built on mutual respect means you both share a liking for each other and respect each other as the person you are rather than a version of each other in your minds.
9. Faith
If they believe in you and your potential, if they have faith in the person you are, they are your true friend. Sometimes we pursue things in life on a whim, just giving a shot at something that makes us happy and does not really have a pitfall. Some other times we gamble on major decisions that can go wrong, but we think we can do it, we believe in ourselves to be able to overcome it. In both of those scenarios, of course, we have to live with the aftermath, but having someone else believe in us and place their faith in us may just be the boost we need that helps us overcome our own doubts and anxieties. Having a friend that trusts you can help you be a more bold version of yourself, that takes risk others may hesitate to take.
10. Sticks around
Lastly, the biggest indicator of it all is a friend who sticks around. One that does not let your friendship fade at the slightest sign of inconvenience and braves through even when it might seem unlikely the friendship might persevere. They are with you through thick and thin, they are there beside you even in the lowest points in your life, and are there next to you when you celebrate too - to add to your happiness. If you have friends like these, cherish them and try your best to protect friends like them. They are not only your friend but also your allies in life.
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